The Paper Machete is a live magazine that happens weekly at the Green Mill in Chicago. Each week all kinds of entertainer types perform something that has to do with something that's in the news that week. This is a great show and I am fortunate to have participated in this show more than once.
Live at the Paper Machete in Chicago
Photos by Sarah Elizabeth Larson Photography
MEETING NUMBER 5
CAST
JUSSIE
NUMBER 1
NUMBER 2
NUMBER 3
NUMBER 3
Interior Jussie Smollett’s apartment. Day. JUSSIE is sitting on a loveseat smoking a blunt. Number 1, Number 2, and Number 3 are sitting on the couch.
JUSSIE
First of all, I would like to thank you for coming to this second meeting. I have had several first meetings, but you three are the first ones to return my texts once it became clear that the plan is to fake an attack.
NUMBER 1
I’m here for you, Jussie.
NUMBER 2
I’m down for you, Jussie.
NUMBER 3
I love weed. Are you still paying me in weed?
JUSSIE
Yes.
NUMBER 3
Sweet. Let’s fake a hate crime.
JUSSIE
Cool. Okay, I wrote a script and would like to go over it so everyone can get familiar with their parts.
NUMBER 3
Jussie passes out scripts.
JUSSIE
Okay, Number 1, you’re attacker #1, and Number 2, you’re attacker number 2. Number 3, can you read stage directions?
NUMBER 3
My part in the hoax is stage directions?
JUSSIE
No. You’re reading the stage directions now.
NUMBER 3
What’s my part in the hoax?
JUSSIE
You know, I hadn’t thought about that. I have been so focused on editing the script and making a prop list that I totally forgot about your character’s arc.
NUMBER 3
Typical.
JUSSIE
Let’s table that for right now, and we’ll revisit after the reading.
NUMBER 3
Fine.
JUSSIE
Okay, let’s take it from the top.
NUMBER 3
Exterior. Subway Restaurant. Night. 2am. Jussie is walking across the street with a…
NUMBER 1
This is happening at a Subway?
NUMBER 2
At 2am?
JUSSIE
Yes.
NUMBER 1
Why are you at a Subway at 2 o’clock in the morning?
JUSSIE
Because I am hungry and I want something healthy yet inexpensive.
NUMBER 2
And you don’t have Grub Hub?
JUSSIE
Of course, I have Grub Hub. We’re staging an attack here, ok? If I use Grub Hub, who am I going to say attacked me? The delivery person
NUMBER 1
It happened in Atlanta.
NUMBER 3
Really? I don’t remember that.
NUMBER 1
Yeah. Some dude got into it with the driver after he got his food, and the driver shot him several times.
NUMBER 3
Typical.
NUMBER 2
Oh, I remember that. That was Uber Eats though.
NUMBER 1
You’re right. Jussie, do you have Uber Eats?
JUSSIE
I am not trying to get shot. I am trying to get Fox and Empire to take my hate mail seriously. Because right now, they are treating me like I’m not the first openly gay black actor.
NUMBER 1
You’re not the first openly gay black actor.
JUSSIE
The first openly gay black actor on television.
NUMBER 1
Nope.
JUSSIE
The first openly gay black actor on Fox.
NUMBER 1
Wrong again.
NUMBER 2
I don’t think you’re the first openly gay black actor on Empire.
JUSSIE
Can we please get back to the script?
NUMBER 3
Jussie is walking across the street with a Subway sandwich in one hand and his phone in the other. He is talking to his manager.
JUSSIE
So I think we try to get a collab with Cardi B for the new album.
NUMBER 1/NUMBER 2
Empire! Empire!
JUSSIE
Think about how hot that would be. Me and Cardi B?
NUMBER 1/ NUMBER 2
Empire! Empire!
JUSSIE
Do you hear that? Some fools are yelling “Empire” Well, I don’t answer to Empire. My name ain’t Empire.
NUMBER 1
Hey, you Ding Dong Donkey Kong Junior Mint!
JUSSIE
What the fuck did you just say to me?
NUMBER 1
I have no idea.
JUSSIE
That’s not your line.
NUMBER 1
I know. Still, I have no idea what I just said to you.
JUSSIE
Those are racial slurs for Black people.
NUMBER 1
I have never heard any of those before.
NUMBER 2
Neither have I.
JUSSIE
Nor have I. I found them on The Racial Slur Database at rsdb.org.
NUMBER 3
You had to look up racial slurs for Black people.
JUSSIE
Hey! I am trying to be creative here. Can we please get back to the script. Number 1, we’ll take it from your line.
NUMBER 1
Do we have to?
JUSSIE
Yes!
NUMBER 1
Hey you Ding Dong Donkey Kong Junior Mint
JUSSIE
What the fuck did you just say to me?
NUMBER 2
This is Maga country naaaaaaaah yikes. Do I have to say this next word?
JUSSIE
Yes! If you don’t say the N-Word we lose all realism.
NUMBER 3
I am pretty sure we lost all realism when we decided to do this at a Subway.
NUMBER 2
At two o’clock in the morning.
JUSSIE
You don’t have to say it tonight. This is just a table read. But on the actual night you’ll have to say it. Are you okay with that?
NUMBER 2
No.
JUSSIE
Fine. After you say “this is MAGA country n-word” you punch me in the face and then I punch you in the face.
NUMBER 1
With what hand?
JUSSIE
What?
NUMBER 1
The stage directions say that you have a sandwich in one hand and a phone in the other hand so what hand are you using to punch Number 2?
JUSSIE
(big sigh) Ok, After you punch me I will put my phone in my pocket and then I punch hit you.
NUMBER 2
And what am I doing while you’re putting your phone in your pocket?
JUSSIE
Waiting for me to put my phone in my pocket.
NUMBER 3
Realism.
JUSSIE
You guys! There are just way too many interruptions. Ok. I have an entire attack scripted out and we’re barely at the first punch. At this rate, we’ll never get to the bleach or the noose.
NUMBER 1
Wait, there’s a noose involved? I’m out.
NUMBER 2
Yeah, I’m out, too, Jussie.
JUSSIE
What? I thought y’all were down for Jussie Smollett. You were here for Jussie Smollett?
NUMBER 1
I am down for you, Jussie. But nooses are over the line.
NUMBER 3
Number 1 and Number 2 get up to leave the apartment.
NUMBER 2
Good luck, Jussie. I hope this all works out for you.
NUMBER 3
Jussie sits with his head down for a minute, then looks up to see Number 3.
JUSSIE
You still here?
NUMBER 3
Yeah, man. I’m still waiting on my weed.
JUSSIE
Right. Let me call my dealer.
NUMBER 3
Jussie has an epiphany.
JUSSIE
My dealer!
NUMBER 3
And scene.