I have to say it was a magical experience. It was beautiful beyond belief. It was like a pan of candied yams in its thirteenth minute of the cooling phase.
I know a Donald Trump rally isn’t for everyone. Neither is almond milk. But if you’re like me, an advocate for strict obedience to authority at the expense of personal freedoms who is hates contact with people who are not like you and not so secretly prejudice against minorities with a preference for societal hierarchy of groups and a belief that you have been deprived of something that you are entitled to, this was the place to be.
It was so lively and so energetic and for a brief moment we all forgot that the world was on fire. It was like a family reunion on Thanksgiving two days before your 18 year old nephew had to check in to the penitentiary to begin a life sentence for murder two. It was perfect.
For starters, it was in Tulsa. Tulsa. The home of Whirlpool, porn star Stacy Valentine and Hansen. Now I ask you, is there a better place for a Trump rally than the home of noisy machines, sex workers and incoherent song lyrics? I say hell naw! The planners nailed this one.
Second of all, it was intimate. In a space that holds close to 19,000 humans, there were 6200 people there. That’s just a tad bit over 1% of the population of Tulsa. Intimate. Now the fake news media will see empty seats. The fake news media will see the drawbacks. But I see the benefits. I see The One Percent Rule. The One Percent Rule states that the majority of the rewards in any field will go to the people that maintain a one percent advantage over the others.
I got in despite RSVPing the day of the rally. I got a good seat. I got to see the president without looking at a jumbo screen. Because of the one percent advantage. And what is that advantage? The willingness to catch a deadly disease and die to see and hear Donald Trump talk.
And talk he did. That man talked for over an hour and forty-five minutes. I haven’t heard a man talk that long since someone made the mistake of letting my now ex-wife’s step-father give a toast at our wedding.
Pro-tip - Don’t let drunk stepparents speak at weddings. If you do, you might as well serve finger foods cause the meal will be cold at eating time. But I digress. Back to the rally.
It was amazing. President Trump is such a great orator. I have listened to many a speech by many a speecher in my day and they all have one thing in common. The use of transitions and segues. Not President Trump. He don’t need those. His ability to talk about the V.A, then the NFL, then MS-13, then Boeing, then AOC all without connecting the dots is outstanding. Outstanding like the song by The Gap Band another group that hails from Tulsa.
Now, I know y’all are media savvy so you already know that President Trump said he slowed down covid testing to manipulate the numbers. You know he defended confederate statues. You know he called the coronavirus Kung Flu. You already know that bashed a bunch of democratic politicians and you may know that he told us that we are lucky to have him as president.
But what you don’t know are the stories. President Trump is a great storyteller. During the rally, he told a few stories and they were pulchritudinous. Not only were the stories insightful and entertaining they were rooted in morality. There was a lesson to each one.
Take for example the story of The Leather shoes and the ramp
There once was a president who had to walk down a steel ramp after delivering a commencement speech. The ramp was slippery and the President’s shoes did not have rubber on the bottom. So the President walked down the ramp slowly and deliberately.
The moral of the story - Don’t wear shoes with leather on the bottom or people will think you have Parkinson’s
There was the story of The Woman and The Hombre
Once there was a woman who was home alone because her husband was a traveling salesman. One night at one o’clock in the morning, an hombre broke into her window. The woman called 911 but because the police had been defunded the answer was “sorry, this number is no longer working.”
The moral of the story - Don’t defund the police or Don’t marry traveling salesmen.
And then there was The Story of Two Planes
There once was a President who wanted to buy two planes from a builder. The President wanted to pay 3 billion dollars. The Builder wanted five billion dollars for the planes. The President called the Builder a “dumb son of a bitch” and got the planes for 4 billion dollars.
The moral of the story - If you want to save a billion dollars, call the seller a dumb son of a bitch.
President Trump is like a modern day Aesop if Aesop didn’t use transitions or segues.
I don’t have enough time to tell you about all the glorious moments of the Tulsa rally. If you have the time and mental space, I invite you to google the full transcript and experience the majesty that was President Trump’s rally speech.
I’ll tell you what. I have been to Disneyland, Disneyworld and Cedar Rapids and not one of those experiences was as magical as the Tulsa rally. Now, because of the closeness of seats and the absence of masks at the rally, I will most likely die of Covid-19. But I will die knowing that I got to witness the mind-boggling and sheer surreality that is President Donald J. Trump.