SCENE 1
Cold Open
Int. Call room for Kleen Sweep, Inc. Seated at the large table are 8-10 call representatives each with a land line phone, a stack of leads and order forms. They are all making cold calls. At the center of the table seated across from one another are Erin and her best friend Jam. Next to Erin is Tia, a call rep that adores Erin.
ERIN
(into phone) Hi. This is Erin from Kleen Sweep calling to remind you that it’s time for your annual chimney sweeping. Would you like to make an appointment right now?
JAM
(into phone) Hi. This is…hold on please. (to Erin) Gimme a name.
ERIN
(into phone) Hold please. (to Jam) Leslie.
JAM
(into phone) Hi. This is Leslie from Kleen Sweep calling to remind you that it’s time for your... (hangs up phone) Whatever.
ERIN
(into phone) So, you’re really, really going to do it yourself? Yeah, that’s a great stupid idea. (hangs up phone) O-M-G.
JAM
I-K-R
ERIN
S-A-P
JAM
R-S-A-P
ERIN
F-R
JAM
F-S
TIA
What are you guys saying?
ERIN and JAM
Shut up!
Cut to SWFs 4 Life Theme song
SCENE 2
Int. Call room for Kleen Sweep. All the other reps are making cold calls. Erin and Jam are eating snacks and talking. Tia is pretending to make calls but really listening in to Erin and Jam’s conversation.
ERIN
…so he says magazines aren’t reading.
JAM
Magazines are so reading
ERIN
That’s what I said but he was like “if it’s not a book it’s not reading.
JAM
Did you tell him you read the LA CANDY trilogy?
ERIN
Yeah, but…
TIA
I read that trilogy. I thought the books were really…
JAM
Great. Tia, Really. (turning to Erin) Anyways.
ERIN
He said LC isn’t a real writer.
JAM
Whatever! He’s not a real writer. How long has he been working on that novel?
ERIN
Forever. A book about talking books. That’s a great stupid idea.
TIA
Right!
Erin and Jam both shoot Tia a dirty look.
Enter Charles the shift Supervisor. He is clearly upset about something.
CHARLES
YOU! (pointing to Jam)
JAM
Moi?
CHARLES
You. (waving a stack of order forms) Can you explain these to me.
JAM
Um…those are order forms. See, when a customer wants their chimney swept, I fill out an…
CHARLES
I know what these are. (reading through forms) Cassandra. Victor. Danika. Kendell. LaFred?
ERIN
You used LaFred?
Jam nods in the affirmative trying to control his laughter.
CHARLES
How many times have I told you to use your real name around here.
JAM
Seriously.
CHARLES
Yes.
JAM
You really want me to use my real name?
CHARLES
Yes.
ERIN
Well, that’s a great stupid idea.
CHARLES
(pointing at Erin) No. Body. Is talking. To you. Though he refuses to use his real name at least LaFred over here gets orders.
ERIN
I get orders. I got two yesterday.
CHARLES
Let me guess. Two more of Daddy’s buildings.
ERIN
Shut up!
CHARLES
Exactly. Now, why don’t you get on the phone and try to get a lead that you’re not related to. (turning to Jam) And you better start using your real name. I tired of having to explain to Danny why…
ERIN
I quit.
TIA
NO!
CHARLES
What did you say?
ERIN
I said, I quit. I don’t need this crap. I’m outta here. (she gets up and grabs the bag of Swedish fish on the table) And I’m taking the fish with me.
Erin walks to the front door then turns around to address the entire room.
ERIN
This job is the worst job ever. There’s no benefits. No growth. No diet sodas. And who owns a chimney anyway? Everybody lives in condos now.
TIA
My dad has house with a chimney
ERIN
Whatever. Tia. Anyways. I’m leaving this craphole. I’m going to do something awesome with my life. Something exciting and amazing and fun and amazing…and well, who’s coming with me?
JAM
I’ll go.
ERIN
JAMUARY JERMAINE JACKSON! Thank you.
JAM
Really, Erin. My whole name.
ERIN
Sorry, Jam.
JAM
Whatever.
Jam gets up and walks out the front door with Erin
TIA
That was so Top Gun
CHARLES
Shut up, Tia
SCENE 3
Exterior. In front of office building that houses Kleen Sweep. ERIN and JAM are eating Swedish fish.
JAM
Now what.
ERIN
Sushi?
JAM nods in the affirmative.
Fade to black
Roll credits