NARRATOR
Last week on SWFS 4 Life
Cut to clip from episode 6 of Erin and Jam in massage chairs.
NARRATOR
Jam gets a text from a girl in his past.
Cut to clip from episode 6 starting with Erin asking “why does she want to be friends now” ending with Nail Tech 1 saying, “she crazy.”
NARRATOR
Tia has strange company with an even stranger talent.
Cut to clip from episode 6 beginning with Chad saying, “I got an audition for puppetry of the penis” ending with Tia saying, “and he was going to show me his audition piece.”
NARRATOR
What new and exciting adventures are in store for our SWFS?
Cut to extended clip from episode 6 beginning with Chad sitting down on the loveseat. After Chad says “tah dah” Erin, Jam and Tia are speechless. They stare at Chad. Chad stares back. There are a couple beats of silence then… several more beats of silence. Then…
Cut to SWFS 4 Life theme song.
Cut to
Int. Condo. Afternoon
Erin and Jam are sitting on the couch. Erin is wearing a tank top, sweats and ankle socks. She has a magazine on her lap. Jam is in a full tuxedo down to the shoes. The bowtie is still around his neck but is undone. The top button of his shirt is unfastened.
ERIN
How was Les Miz?
JAM
Miserable.
ERIN
And how was Helena?
JAM
Helena.
ERIN
Well, thank god for matinees.
JAM
F.S.
Jam reaches into his inside pocket and takes out a white envelope. He passes the envelope to Erin. Erin takes the envelope, opens it and counts the cash that is inside.
ERIN
Is this all of it?
JAM
Half.
ERIN
This is like twice our book rate, Jam.
JAM
I know.
Erin looks at Jam. Jam looks back. A beat of silence.
ERIN
What did you do?
JAM
You don’t want to know.
ERIN
I want to know.
JAM
No. You really don’t
A beat of silence.
ERIN
You didn’t…
JAM
Hell no. I do have a moral, Erin.
ERIN
What did you do?
Jam remains silent. Erin counts the money in the envelope again.
ERIN
I love you.
JAM
I love you more.
Erin throws the envelope on the coffee table.
ERIN
Got plans tonight?
JAM
I do not.
ERIN
Good. I need your help.
JAM
With.
ERIN
Chelsea’s bridal shower.
JAM
I can’t believe she’s getting married again.
ERIN
I know.
JAM
And I can’t believe she’s having a wedding. Don’t you courthouse it after three?
ERIN
Right. And who gets married five times.
JAM
Danielle Steel.
ERIN
Zsa Zsa Gabor.
JAM
Billy Bob Thornton
ERIN
He’s a man.
JAM
So is Chelsea
ERIN
Shut up!
Erin hits Jam in the arm.
JAM
You know she looks like a man.
ERIN
Stop it.
JAM
So what am I doing?
ERIN
You’re going to the bridal shower with me to help me get kicked out of the wedding.
JAM
You don’t want to be in the wedding?
ERIN
No.
JAM
Why did you say yes in the first place?
ERIN
She bought me shoes.
JAM
Really?
ERIN
LC Johanna’s
JAM
Nice.
ERIN
Chelsea bought all the bridesmaids a pair. Kind of like a “please be in my fourth wedding” present.
JAM
Just drop out.
ERIN
If I drop out, I have to give the shoes back.
JAM
But if you get kicked out…
ERIN
I get to keep the shoes.
JAM
You are ridiculous.
ERIN
They’re LC Johanna’s, Jam.
Jam nods as if to say “point taken.” He looks at Erin. Erin smiles back. Jam shakes his head.
JAM
What’s the plan?
ERIN
I want to flash.
A beat of silence.
JAM
Why I am going?
ERIN
I told Chelsea I wouldn’t attend without you.
JAM
Who else will be there?
ERIN
Miranda, Heather, Beth, Ming and DonQuita
JAM
It’s a CB convention
ERIN
F.S.
A beat of silence.
JAM
I’m in.
Erin extends her hand to give Jam a high five. Jam gives her the high five.
ERIN
I’m so excited. I love flashing.
JAM
F.S.
Jam gets up from the couch and heads towards his room.
JAM
What time is the shower?
ERIN
Seven-ish
JAM
Cool. I’m going to take a nap. But first, I need a shower. Bad.
Jam exits. Erin returns to her magazine. From off camera we hear Jam yell
JAM
Do we have any brillo pads?
Erin yells back.
ERIN
What did you do?
Cut to
Int. Restaurant Night
Seated around a large round table are Chelsea, Miranda, Heather, Beth, Ming, DonQuita, Erin, and Jam. In the middle of the table is a large platter of wings; a large platter of calamari; a large platter of nachos; a large platter of French fries; a stack of empty containers for bones; a pitcher of water; three pitchers of beer. Miranda is standing and talking.
MIRANDA
…and we love you, Chelsea. And we’re all so happy for you and we all know that this is the one that’s going to last.
Everyone at the table claps.
CHELSEA
Let’s party!
Music plays as we see a montage. We see everyone talking, laughing, joking around and making faces. The showing of time elapsing is achieved by showing food disappearing for the platters and bones appearing in the empty containers. We see less and less beer in the pitchers and we see the server bringing Erin and Jam refills of their red bull and vodka cocktails. The montage ends with all the food platters and beer pitchers empty. The server brings another refill of cocktails to Erin and Jam and then addresses the rest of the party.
SERVER
Can I get anyone anything else?
Everyone at the table offers some form of a nonverbal no.
MIRANDA
I think we’re done. Unless anyone wants dessert?
Everyone at the table offers some form of no.
MIRANDA
Okay. We’re done, you can bring us the check.
The server walks away but as she passed Miranda, Miranda grabs her arm and stops her.
MIRANDA
And a brownie surprise. With whip.
The server nods then leaves.
CHELSEA
I just want to say this has been the best night ever.
Everyone at the table claps.
ERIN
(whispering to Jam) That’s what she said last time.
Jam stifles a laugh.
The server returns. She drops the brownie surprise in front of Miranda along with the check. Miranda immediately puts a spoonful of the dessert in her mouth. The server grabs the empty platters.
SERVER
I’ll be back to close you guys out.
The server leaves. Miranda looks at the check. She reaches into her purse and pulls out her phone and uses the calculator.
MIRANDA
Okay. The bill is two twelve. If everyone put in thirty dollars, we’ll be good to go.
Everyone around the table reaches into their purse or wallet and pulls out cash. The cash is thrown into the middle of the table. Miranda scoops the money up and counts it. Miranda throws the pile of money back on the table.
MIRANDA
This is not enough.
HEATHER
I didn’t eat anything.
DONQUITA
I only ate nachos.
CHELSEA
I’m getting married.
MING
DonQuita has wings.
BETH
I’m not paying for their red bull and vodkas.
Erin and Jam look at each other and smile.
JAM
No one asked you to pay for our red bull and vodka.
BETH
Miranda just did.
MIRANDA
I did not.
MING
Yes, you did.
Miranda holds up a finger while she chews a spoonful of brownie surprise.
(beat)
MIRANDA
Did not.
BETH
Did t…
ERIN
Shut up.
JAM
Miranda, give me the check.
Miranda hands Jam the check.
JAM
(under his breath but not so under) Cheap bitches.
Everyone gasps. Heather starts to cry.
HEATHER
I didn’t eat anything.
CHELSEA
How dare you ruin my party, Jam.
JAM
Whoever decided to have it here ruined your party.
MIRANDA
I like it here.
MING
Why are you here?
CHELSEA
Cause Erin wouldn’t come without him.
ERIN
I wanted to have some fun tonight.
Everyone gasps.
DONQUITA
What is that supposed to mean?
ERIN
Uh, that you’re lame. For Christ sake DonQuita. It’s a bridal shower and we’re at Wing Depot.
MIRANDA
I like it here.
ERIN
Clearly, Miranda. You don’t get that size not liking it here.
Everyone gasps. Miranda hangs her head. Then resumes eating her brownie surprise.
CHELSEA
Stop being mean.
ERIN
Stop making us bridesmaids.
CHELSEA
What’s that supposed to mean?
ERIN
It means stay married Chelsea. This is like your fourth wedding in five years. You’re like Danielle Steel.
JAM
Or Zsa Zsa Gabor
ERIN
Or Billy Bob Thornton
CHELSEA
He’s a man.
ERIN
So are…
Erin claps her hand over her mouth. It’s too late. Everyone at the table gasps including Jam. Chelsea closes her eyes and breathes deeply as she absorbs the blow. Everyone is quiet. The only sound that can be heard is the scraping of Miranda’s spoon inside the bowl where brownie surprise once was. Everyone at the table looks at Miranda. Miranda looks up, sees everyone looking at her, drops her spoon into the bowl and smiles. Everyone looks back at Chelsea.
ERIN
I’m sorry.
CHELSEA
I think you two should go now.
Erin and Jam stand up.
ERIN
You’re not a man, Chelsea
CHELSEA
Go. Away.
Erin leaves. Jam reaches into his pocket and pulls out some cash. He throws a couple hundreds on the table.
JAM
Goodnight Ladies.
Jam exits. After he leaves, the ladies around the table reach into the pile of money and take their money back.
Cut to
Int. Condo
Erin and Jam are sitting on the couch.
JAM
You know for the price of dinner, we could have bought two pairs of Johanna’s
ERIN
I know.
JAM
I know you know.
(beat)
ERIN
How does a man like Chelsea get married four times and I can’t even keep a boyfriend?
JAM
Life is crazy like that.
ERIN
It’s not fair.
JAM
Life’s not fair. That’s why we have sports.
ERIN
I guess.
Erin and Jam sit in silence for a beat. Then Jam jumps up.
ERIN
Where are you going?
JAM
I’m going to shower again. I still feel kind of gross.
Jam exits. Erin grabs a magazine off the coffee table. From off camera we hear Jam yell.
JAM
Do we have any bleach?
Erin yells back.
ERIN
What did you do?
CUT TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
ROLL CREDITS