BLACKNESS
SWFS 4 Life Refrain
Cold Open
JAM
I apologize.
ERIN
Which means what?
JAM
It means I’m sorry.
ERIN
I can’t put sorry on my feet, Jam.
TIA
I’m sure it was a mistake, Erin.
ERIN
The mistake, Tia, was Jam having Coffee McFrap Maker over here while he supposed to be getting my shoes.
JAM
Erin, I…
ERIN
Save it, Jam. I spent hours in room full of over-perfumed geriatrics trying to get us some work and you can’t even do what you offered to do.
JAM
I know but…
ERIN
But nothing. I did what I was supposed to do. You have a new Aphra Girl. But do I have new crystal mermaids?
TIA
No.
ERIN
No. I don’t.
Jam shoots Tia a look. Tia smiles.
JAM
I said that I’m sorry.
ERIN
And I said I can’t wear sorry with my Joes jeans.
TIA
Actually, what you said was…
ERIN
Tia.
TIA
Sorry.
JAM
Erin, all I can say is that I’m really, really sorry.
ERIN
And I really, really don’t care.
Jam looks at Erin. Erin looks back.
JAM
Fine.
Jam gets up and heads towards his room. As he walks past Erin, Erin turns her back to him. Jam exits the room. Erin crosses and takes a seat on the couch.
ERIN
This is unreal.
TIA
Erin.
ERIN
What Tia?
TIA
Maybe you were a little hard on Jam?
Erin looks ate Tia. Tia smiles.
ERIN
Please tell me this isn’t the 7th Heaven moment where you tell me Jam is human and humans make mistakes and that he probably feels really bad and I should try to understand how he feels.
TIA
Kinda.
ERIN
In that case, shut up Tia. What is happening is that Jam is all wrapped up in Miss Caramel Macchiato and he has lost sight of what is important here.
TIA
Your shoes?
ERIN
Me, Tia! Me!
TIA
So, this is not about the shoes?
ERIN
Tia…
TIA
I know. I’m shutting up.
Erin looks at Tia. Tia smiles. Erin rolls her eyes and looks away. After a beat of silence, Tia gets up.
TIA
I’m going to bed now.
Erin doesn’t respond.
TIA
Okay. Good night.
Erin doesn’t respond. Tia exits the room leaving Erin sitting on the couch staring off into space.
SWFS 4 Life refrain
Cut to
Int. Jam’s room. Night.
Jam is sitting on his bed reading a magazine. There is a knock at the door.
JAM
I don’t want any.
Tia opens the door and enters the room. She sits on the foot of the bed. Jam puts his magazine down.
JAM
Yes.
TIA
I’m worried about Erin.
JAM
She’ll be fine.
TIA
Are you sure? I’ve never seen her like this.
JAM
You should have saw her after The Hills finale.
TIA
Oh my god, I hated how that ended.
JAM
Didn’t we all.
TIA
I hear they’re going to make a Hills movie.
JAM
From your mouth to God’s ears.
TIA
I’d see it so many times.
JAM
So many times.
Beat of silence.
TIA
I’m worried about you too.
JAM
Really?
TIA
You look really sad. I know you must feel like crap disappointing your best friend in the whole world like that but...
JAM
It’s not that.
TIA
What is it?
JAM
Jessica’s going to Korea to teach English.
TIA
Coffee McFrap Maker?
JAM
Yes.
TIA
That’s so stupid.
JAM
I know but teaching English in Asia is the new Peace Corps.
TIA
Whatever.
JAM
That’s how I feel.
TIA
So you guys are going to stop dating?
JAM
JAM
Thanks, Tia.
Beat of silence.
TIA
I read about this one girl who was over there teaching English and she came up missing and they found her body buried in sand in a bath tub.
JAM
That makes me feel a lot better.
TIA
It should. Can you imagine if Jessica got brutally murdered and you were her BF?
JAM
I guess that would suck.
TIA
Totally.
Beat of silence.
TIA
So, you’re okay?
JAM
Yeah, I’m okay.
TIA
Okay.
Tia gets up and walks to the side of the bed and gives Jam a hug. Jam hugs her back. When they release Tia gives Jam a kiss on the cheek. Jam look at her. Tia smiles.
TIA
Okay, I’m going to go to bed now.
Tia walks towards the door and exits closing the door behind her. Before the door is completely closed, Tia pops her head back in.
TIA
And you’re sure Erin is going to be okay?
JAM
She’s going to be fine.
TIA
Okay. Good night Jam.
JAM
Good night, Tia.
Tia exits closing Jam’s door behind her. Jam gets in his bed and turns off his lamp.
ERIN
Tia.
TIA
I know. Shutting up.
JAM
What haven’t you told me?
ERIN
About the new client.
JAM
What about her?
TIA
It’s kind of weird, Jam
JAM
It’s kind of weird?
ERIN
It’s weird.
JAM
Like weird weird or just weird?
Erin and Tia both shrug their shoulders.
JAM
Seriously?
Erin and Tia both nod in the affirmative.
JAM
Come on. How weird can it be?
Erin and Tia look at each other then look at Jam. Jam looks puzzled.
Cut to
Int. Choi’s Diner.
Jam, Erin and Tia are on one side of the booth. Across from them is an elderly woman dressed in a man’s suit. The heavy make up is the only clue that this woman is in fact a woman. Next to her is a woman wearing a black dress with a black hat and a black veil that masks her entire face.
JAM
This is totally weird weird.
CUT TO BLACKNESS
ROLL CREDITS
SWFS 4 Life Refrain
Cold Open
Int. SWFS condo. Night
The Barista puts her glass on the coffee table then takes Jam’s glass and puts it on the table. Then she leans in and gives Jam a kiss on the mouth. The two start to make out.
A loud bell sound is heard from the laptop.
JAM breaks from kiss and looks at the computer.
JAM
Oh no.
BARISTA
What?
JAM
Oh my god.
BARISTA
What is it Jam.
JAM
I lost the shoes.
BARISTA
Oh no.
Jam buries his head in his hands.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life theme song
Cut to
Int. Condo. Night
Erin is still in the suit she wore to the auction except that the bow tie is untied and hanging loose around her neck. The top two buttons of her dress shirt are unbuttoned. She is wearing ankle socks. Erin is pacing. Jam is on the couch. Tia is in the loveseat.
ERIN
What were you thinking?
JAM
I was thinking nobody is going to pay two grand for those shoes.
ERIN
Well, a nobody did, Jam.
JAM
I know. I can’t believe it.
ERIN
Well. Believe it.
TIA
How much did they go for?
JAM
Yeah. I’m answering that one Tia.
Tia smiles at Jam.
ERIN
I can’t believe you.
The Barista puts her glass on the coffee table then takes Jam’s glass and puts it on the table. Then she leans in and gives Jam a kiss on the mouth. The two start to make out.
A loud bell sound is heard from the laptop.
JAM breaks from kiss and looks at the computer.
JAM
Oh no.
BARISTA
What?
JAM
Oh my god.
BARISTA
What is it Jam.
JAM
I lost the shoes.
BARISTA
Oh no.
Jam buries his head in his hands.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life theme song
Cut to
Int. Condo. Night
Erin is still in the suit she wore to the auction except that the bow tie is untied and hanging loose around her neck. The top two buttons of her dress shirt are unbuttoned. She is wearing ankle socks. Erin is pacing. Jam is on the couch. Tia is in the loveseat.
ERIN
What were you thinking?
JAM
I was thinking nobody is going to pay two grand for those shoes.
ERIN
Well, a nobody did, Jam.
JAM
I know. I can’t believe it.
ERIN
Well. Believe it.
TIA
How much did they go for?
JAM
Yeah. I’m answering that one Tia.
Tia smiles at Jam.
ERIN
I can’t believe you.
JAM
I apologize.
ERIN
Which means what?
JAM
It means I’m sorry.
ERIN
I can’t put sorry on my feet, Jam.
TIA
I’m sure it was a mistake, Erin.
ERIN
The mistake, Tia, was Jam having Coffee McFrap Maker over here while he supposed to be getting my shoes.
JAM
Erin, I…
ERIN
Save it, Jam. I spent hours in room full of over-perfumed geriatrics trying to get us some work and you can’t even do what you offered to do.
JAM
I know but…
ERIN
But nothing. I did what I was supposed to do. You have a new Aphra Girl. But do I have new crystal mermaids?
TIA
No.
ERIN
No. I don’t.
Jam shoots Tia a look. Tia smiles.
JAM
I said that I’m sorry.
ERIN
And I said I can’t wear sorry with my Joes jeans.
TIA
Actually, what you said was…
ERIN
Tia.
TIA
Sorry.
JAM
Erin, all I can say is that I’m really, really sorry.
ERIN
And I really, really don’t care.
Jam looks at Erin. Erin looks back.
JAM
Fine.
Jam gets up and heads towards his room. As he walks past Erin, Erin turns her back to him. Jam exits the room. Erin crosses and takes a seat on the couch.
ERIN
This is unreal.
TIA
Erin.
ERIN
What Tia?
TIA
Maybe you were a little hard on Jam?
Erin looks ate Tia. Tia smiles.
ERIN
Please tell me this isn’t the 7th Heaven moment where you tell me Jam is human and humans make mistakes and that he probably feels really bad and I should try to understand how he feels.
TIA
Kinda.
ERIN
In that case, shut up Tia. What is happening is that Jam is all wrapped up in Miss Caramel Macchiato and he has lost sight of what is important here.
TIA
Your shoes?
ERIN
Me, Tia! Me!
TIA
So, this is not about the shoes?
ERIN
Tia…
TIA
I know. I’m shutting up.
Erin looks at Tia. Tia smiles. Erin rolls her eyes and looks away. After a beat of silence, Tia gets up.
TIA
I’m going to bed now.
Erin doesn’t respond.
TIA
Okay. Good night.
Erin doesn’t respond. Tia exits the room leaving Erin sitting on the couch staring off into space.
SWFS 4 Life refrain
Cut to
Int. Jam’s room. Night.
Jam is sitting on his bed reading a magazine. There is a knock at the door.
JAM
I don’t want any.
Tia opens the door and enters the room. She sits on the foot of the bed. Jam puts his magazine down.
JAM
Yes.
TIA
I’m worried about Erin.
JAM
She’ll be fine.
TIA
Are you sure? I’ve never seen her like this.
JAM
You should have saw her after The Hills finale.
TIA
Oh my god, I hated how that ended.
JAM
Didn’t we all.
TIA
I hear they’re going to make a Hills movie.
JAM
From your mouth to God’s ears.
TIA
I’d see it so many times.
JAM
So many times.
Beat of silence.
TIA
I’m worried about you too.
JAM
Really?
TIA
You look really sad. I know you must feel like crap disappointing your best friend in the whole world like that but...
JAM
It’s not that.
TIA
What is it?
JAM
Jessica’s going to Korea to teach English.
TIA
Coffee McFrap Maker?
JAM
Yes.
TIA
That’s so stupid.
JAM
I know but teaching English in Asia is the new Peace Corps.
TIA
Whatever.
JAM
That’s how I feel.
TIA
So you guys are going to stop dating?
JAM
Basically. I don’t do other side of the world relationships too well.
TIA
You don’t really do this side of the world too well either.
TIA
You don’t really do this side of the world too well either.
JAM
Thanks, Tia.
Beat of silence.
TIA
I read about this one girl who was over there teaching English and she came up missing and they found her body buried in sand in a bath tub.
JAM
That makes me feel a lot better.
TIA
It should. Can you imagine if Jessica got brutally murdered and you were her BF?
JAM
I guess that would suck.
TIA
Totally.
Beat of silence.
TIA
So, you’re okay?
JAM
Yeah, I’m okay.
TIA
Okay.
Tia gets up and walks to the side of the bed and gives Jam a hug. Jam hugs her back. When they release Tia gives Jam a kiss on the cheek. Jam look at her. Tia smiles.
TIA
Okay, I’m going to go to bed now.
Tia walks towards the door and exits closing the door behind her. Before the door is completely closed, Tia pops her head back in.
TIA
And you’re sure Erin is going to be okay?
JAM
She’s going to be fine.
TIA
Okay. Good night Jam.
JAM
Good night, Tia.
Tia exits closing Jam’s door behind her. Jam gets in his bed and turns off his lamp.
Blackness.
Beat.
In the blackness we hear a loud knock on the door. From the perspective of Jam’s eyes opening we go from blackness to bright sunlit room. Jam is in the bed. Tia enters the room.
TIA
She is not fine.
JAM
And a good morning to you, Tia.
TIA
I’m sorry to wake you Jam, but it’s Erin.
JAM
What about her?
TIA
She’s still there.
JAM
She hasn’t moved?
TIA
No. She’s all Cameron on the couch and I’m scared.
JAM
Seriously?
TIA
Seriously.
Jam gets out of the bed.
JAM
Go get some coffee. I’ll see what I can do.
SWFS 4 Life Refrain
Cut to
Int. Condo living room. Day
Erin is sitting on the couch staring off into space. Jam is sitting next to her. Jam waves his hands in front of her face. Then he snaps his fingers. Erin slaps his hand out of the way.
ERIN
I’m not dead, Jam.
JAM
What’s going on with you?
ERIN
I don’t know.
JAM
How do you feel?
ERIN
Strange.
JAM
How strange?
ERIN
Okay, this is going to sound crazy but…
The front door opens and Tia enters. She has three coffee cups. She crosses and places a cup in front of Erin.
ERIN
Thank you.
Tia places a cup in front of Jam.
JAM
Thank you.
Tia sits in the loveseat. Jam and Erin both take a sip of their coffees and then trade cups.
JAM
You were saying.
ERIN
I was saying that this may sound crazy but I feel like my life is a television show and the writer doesn’t know what to do next. So, I’ve just been sitting here waiting for him to figure it out.
TIA
The writer of your life is a man?
ERIN
Doubt it.
JAM
Probably some single white female.
ERIN
Totally.
Beat of silence.
ERIN
What am I going to do Jam?
JAM
You mean what are we going to do?
Erin looks at Jam. Jam smiles at Erin. Erin smiles back.
ERIN
Yes. What are we going to do?
JAM
Well, we begin by buying some crystal mermaids online at regular price.
ERIN
They are very expensive.
JAM
We have a new client don’t we?
ERIN
Oh my god! I totally forgot about the new client.
TIA
You didn’t tell him?
ERIN
Tia, you know I didn’t tell him.
TIA
You could have told him while I was getting coffee.
TIA
She is not fine.
JAM
And a good morning to you, Tia.
TIA
I’m sorry to wake you Jam, but it’s Erin.
JAM
What about her?
TIA
She’s still there.
JAM
She hasn’t moved?
TIA
No. She’s all Cameron on the couch and I’m scared.
JAM
Seriously?
TIA
Seriously.
Jam gets out of the bed.
JAM
Go get some coffee. I’ll see what I can do.
SWFS 4 Life Refrain
Cut to
Int. Condo living room. Day
Erin is sitting on the couch staring off into space. Jam is sitting next to her. Jam waves his hands in front of her face. Then he snaps his fingers. Erin slaps his hand out of the way.
ERIN
I’m not dead, Jam.
JAM
What’s going on with you?
ERIN
I don’t know.
JAM
How do you feel?
ERIN
Strange.
JAM
How strange?
ERIN
Okay, this is going to sound crazy but…
The front door opens and Tia enters. She has three coffee cups. She crosses and places a cup in front of Erin.
ERIN
Thank you.
Tia places a cup in front of Jam.
JAM
Thank you.
Tia sits in the loveseat. Jam and Erin both take a sip of their coffees and then trade cups.
JAM
You were saying.
ERIN
I was saying that this may sound crazy but I feel like my life is a television show and the writer doesn’t know what to do next. So, I’ve just been sitting here waiting for him to figure it out.
TIA
The writer of your life is a man?
ERIN
Doubt it.
JAM
Probably some single white female.
ERIN
Totally.
Beat of silence.
ERIN
What am I going to do Jam?
JAM
You mean what are we going to do?
Erin looks at Jam. Jam smiles at Erin. Erin smiles back.
ERIN
Yes. What are we going to do?
JAM
Well, we begin by buying some crystal mermaids online at regular price.
ERIN
They are very expensive.
JAM
We have a new client don’t we?
ERIN
Oh my god! I totally forgot about the new client.
TIA
You didn’t tell him?
ERIN
Tia, you know I didn’t tell him.
TIA
You could have told him while I was getting coffee.
ERIN
Tia.
TIA
I know. Shutting up.
JAM
What haven’t you told me?
ERIN
About the new client.
JAM
What about her?
TIA
It’s kind of weird, Jam
JAM
It’s kind of weird?
ERIN
It’s weird.
JAM
Like weird weird or just weird?
Erin and Tia both shrug their shoulders.
JAM
Seriously?
Erin and Tia both nod in the affirmative.
JAM
Come on. How weird can it be?
Erin and Tia look at each other then look at Jam. Jam looks puzzled.
Cut to
Int. Choi’s Diner.
Jam, Erin and Tia are on one side of the booth. Across from them is an elderly woman dressed in a man’s suit. The heavy make up is the only clue that this woman is in fact a woman. Next to her is a woman wearing a black dress with a black hat and a black veil that masks her entire face.
JAM
This is totally weird weird.
CUT TO BLACKNESS
ROLL CREDITS