In the darkness we hear the Barista from last episode.
BARISTA
I find that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.
Cut to
Int. Jam’s bedroom. Night.
Jam and the barista are asleep in Jam’s bed. Beat of silence. Followed by fifteen more beats of silence as we watch Jam and the barista sleep.
Boom.
Erin busts into Jam’s room.
ERIN
Jam. Jam.
The barista doesn’t move. Jam wakes violently and sits up. He sees Erin.
JAM
What. What. Erin. What.
ERIN
We have a problem.
JAM
What.
ERIN
Helena is dead.
JAM
What.
ERIN
Helena is dead. Deceased. Donezo.
JAM
This is horrible.
ERIN
I know. I’m bidding on shoes tomorrow.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life Theme Song
Cut to
Int. Condo. Day.
Erin and Jam are in pajama suits. Erin is stretched out on the couch. Jam is in the loveseat. Both have mugs of coffee.
ERIN
I wonder which one sent the messages?
JAM
It could have been any one of them.
ERIN
How many are there?
JAM
Twenty-three.
ERIN
Have you met them all?
JAM
Every one of them.
Tia enters the room and heads to the couch. Erin doesn’t move. Tia goes back around the coffee table and stands. Jam gets up goes to the couch, lifts Erin’s legs by the ankles, sits down and then places Erin feet on his lap. Tia sits in the loveseat.
ERIN
How many of them have escorts?
TIA
Who are you guys talking about?
ERIN
The Aphra Behn Club.
TIA
The what?
JAM
It’s the social club that Helena is a member of.
ERIN
Was a member of.
TIA
Did she get kicked out?
ERIN
By God.
TIA
Oh. What does Aphra Behn mean?
ERIN
It means stop asking me questions and look it up, Tia.
Tia takes out her phone.
ERIN
Jam. How many have escorts?
JAM
All of them have Owls.
ERIN
They call you Owls?
TIA
Why would they call you owls?
JAM
Cause we sit there and look clever.
ERIN
Clever. So the text means that the sender wants you?
JAM
Definitely. Aphra girls are always looking to upgrade their owls.
TIA
What text Erin?
ERIN
Jam.
JAM
Erin got a text from one of the Aphra girls saying, “I want that Owl.”
ERIN
Well, first I got a text saying, “Helena is dead.”
TIA
OMG.
ERIN
I know right. After that I got a picture of Helena. Then I got the text saying…
TIA
Was she dead?
ERIN
What?
TIA
In the picture. Helena. Was she dead?
ERIN
Of course she was dead, Tia. If she wasn’t, would we be talking about it?
Tia thinks for a beat.
TIA
Yeah. Cause first you would have got a text saying Helena is dead and then you would have got a picture with Helena not dead and you would have been like why is she alive if she’s dead or why are you telling me she’s dead when she’s alive and it would be so confusing that you would totally want to talk about it and me and Jam would be here and so you’d mention it and we’d be talking about it.
Jam looks at Erin. Erin looks at Tia. Beat of silence.
ERIN
I need to get to dressed.
Erin gets up from the couch and heads towards her room.
JAM
Me too.
Jam gets up from the couch and heads to his room.
TIA
Well, I’m already dressed so, I’ll be here whenever you guys are ready.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life refrain
Cut to
Int. Coffee shop. Day
Erin, Jam and Tia are sitting around a table. Jam looks around the shop. He makes eye contact with the Barista. She waves. He waves back.
JAM
We need a new location.
ERIN, JAM, and TIA look out the widow and see Choi's Diner across the street.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life refrain.
Cut to
Int. Choi’s Diner Day
Erin, Jam and Tia are in a booth. Erin is on one side alone. Tia and Jam are on the opposite side with Tia on the inside. Through the window we see the coffee shop directly across the street. All three have mugs of coffee. Erin’s phone is on the table. It vibrates.
ERIN
I have gotten texts from all of them.
JAM
Not Elizabeth.
ERIN
How do you know?
JAM
She doesn’t like owls, she likes…
ERIN
What?
JAM
What are female owls called?
ERIN
Oh.
Erin’s phone vibrates.
ERIN
These Aphra girls are relentless.
JAM
There’s an owl on the loose.
ERIN
Can he spell his name?
JAM
No. But he can spell Tuesday.
Erin and Jam laugh.
TIA
What are you guys talking about?
ERIN
Look it up, Tia.
Tia grabs her phone.
ERIN
So who do we pick?
JAM
I don’t know.
Erin’s phone vibrates.
ERIN
Well, which one do you like?
JAM
The one that’s dead.
ERIN
Jam.
JAM
What.
Erin’s phone vibrates.
ERIN
We have to pick to one or it’s…
TIA
Winnie the Pooh.
ERIN
What.
TIA
Winnie the pooh. I totally forgot Owl spelled his name W-O-L.
ERIN
Great. Tia.
Erin’s phone vibrates.
ERIN
Jam. If we don’t pick one it’s back to Brokesville for you and me.
JAM
I know.
TIA
You guys could always come back to Kleen Sweep.
JAM
Really?
TIA
Really. Charles hates the new people. He told me the other night that…
ERIN
Great. Tia. That’s such a good idea. We get our old jobs back at Kleen Sweep and if I work real hard maybe I can be Charles’ love slave too.
TIA
I’m not his love slave.
ERIN
No. You’re just a slave to his love.
TIA
Well, he is really good in bed.
Erin covers her mouth and pretends to throw up. Jam just covers his mouth.
TIA
Well, he is.
ERIN
Tia. Stop.
Erin’s phone vibrates.
TIA
Okay. But I’m not his slave.
JAM
What about an auction?
ERIN
What?
TIA
OMG. Erin. The auction.
ERIN
What?
JAM/TIA
You…
JAM
You go.
TIA
No. you go.
JAM
No. You first.
TIA
Okay. Erin, you have…
ERIN
No. Jam. You first.
Erin’s phone vibrates
JAM
I was saying we could have an auction. You know, have the Aphras bid for…
ERIN
My shoes.
TIA
Yes.
JAM
What?
ERIN
Oh my god my shoes. I almost forgot that’s tonight. Tia, thank you for remembering.
TIA
You said you’d kill me if I forgot.
ERIN
Did I?
Tia nods. Erin’s phone vibrates and she finally looks at it. Jam and Tia sips coffee while Erin skims the messages.
ERIN
They want a decision by tonight.
JAM
So, we have the auction tonight.
TIA
What about your shoes?
JAM
Tia. Forget the shoes.
ERIN
No, Tia. Don’t forget the shoes. I realize that we need to get you back on the arm of an Aphra girl, Jam and as brilliant as the auction idea is…
JAM
Thank you.
ERIN
You’re welcome. But brilliant or not, this is a chance for me to get a pair of Crystal Mermaids without paying full price. The Aphra girls can wait.
Erin’s phone vibrates. Erin looks at the phone. She sighs.
JAM
What?
ERIN
It says don’t make us wait. The Book of Mormon opens soon.
TIA
What’s The Book of Mormon?
ERIN
Tia.
TIA
I know. Look it up.
Tia goes back to her phone.
JAM
We have to have the auction tonight.
ERIN
I have to get these shoes tonight.
JAM
What about the Aphra girls?
ERIN
What about the Crystal Mermaids?
TIA
You know we could…
Erin raises her hand and Tia stops talking.
ERIN
This is a one time deal, Jam. BidZone won’t get these shoes again. And definitely not in my size. I choose the shoes.
JAM
You’re going to look real good walking the streets of Brokesville.
ERIN
Damn.
Several beats of silence. Jam and Erin sit in silence while Tia surfs the web on her phone. Erin’s phone vibrates.
TIA
Hen.
ERIN
What?
TIA
Female owls are called hens although that’s a generic name for all female fowls.
ERIN
You know what Tia…
JAM
I’ll get the shoes.
ERIN
What?
JAM
You don’t need me at the auction. You two handle the auction and I’ll get the shoes.
ERIN
Are you sure?
JAM
Yeah. How hard can it be to outbid everyone else?
ERIN
I love you.
JAM
I love you more
Erin and Jam high five. Erin drains her coffee mug then grabs her phone and purse.
ERIN
I have to get moving. I have to notify the girls, find a space, set up the space, get refreshments, and find something to wear. What do auctioneers wear?
TIA
Looking it up.
Erin gets up from the booth.
ERIN
Bye Jam.
Erin heads for the door then stops and turns around.
ERIN
Tia. Please.
TIA
Oh.
Erin exits the diner. Tia grabs her purse. Jam stands up to let Tia out. Tia gets purse and gets up from the booth.
TIA
Bye Jam.
JAM
Bye Tia.
Jam and Tia high five. Tia runs out of the diner after Erin. Jam sits back down and takes a sip of his coffee. Then he pulls out his phone.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life refrain
Cut to
Int. Condo Night
Jam and the barista are sitting on the couch. Both have wine glasses filled with wine. On the coffee table is a laptop open to the BidZone website. On the screen it a picture of the Crystal Mermaids and the bids being taken. Next to the laptop is an empty bottle of wine and another bottle not yet opened.
BARISTA
Are you sure I’m not a distraction.
JAM
Not at all. I put in a maximum bid. No one is going to pay two grand for those shoes.
BARISTA
Erin has two grand for shoes. What does she do?
JAM
She’s a pimp.
The Barista laughs
BARISTA
Seriously, what does she do?
JAM
Seriously, she’s a pimp. And I’m her bottom bitch.
The barista laughs again.
BARISTA
Stop it. For real, what does she do?
JAM
She’s kind of an agent. Does a lot a work with the theater.
BARISTA
And you work with her?
JAM
Yeah. I kind of tend to her clients. You know, make sure everything goes well.
BARISTA
And she’s working tonight?
JAM
Yeah. We lost a client so she’s out trying to land a new one.
Cut to
Int. Conference Room. Night
There are several rows of chairs. In front of the rows of chairs is a small stage. On the stage to the left side is a small table. Tia is seated there taking notes. In the middle of the stage is a large easel and on the easel is a life size picture of Jam in a tuxedo. On the stage to the right is a podium. Erin is at the podium in a form fitting sear sucker suit with a pink Colonel Sanders Bow Tie. She is wearing pink pumps. The Aphra girls are sprinkled around the room in random seats. Some are alone. Some are with their owls. All the owls look disgruntle. Every Aphra girl has a fan with a number on it.
ERIN
I see five hundred. Five hundred going once. Do I see six? Six hundred. Six hundred going once. Do I see seven? Seven hundred. Seven hundred going once. Do I see eight…
Cut to
Int. Condo Day
BARISTA
Well, I hope it works out.
JAM
Me too.
BARISTA
Well, I’m glad you called me over because there is something I want to tell you.
JAM
Really? And what is that?
BARISTA
Well, I’ve made a big life changing decision and I thought I’d share it with you first.
JAM
Okay. Let’s hear it.
BARISTA
Okay. But first…
The Barista puts her glass on the coffee table then takes Jam’s glass and puts it on the table. Then she leans in and gives Jam a kiss on the mouth. The two start to make out.
CUT TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS