BLACKNES
SWFS 4 Life Refrain
Cut to
Int. Choi’s Diner. Day
Jam, Erin and Tia are on one side of the booth. Across from them is an elderly woman dressed in a man’s suit. She has a thin mustache that has been clearly drawn with an eyeliner pencil. The heavy make up is the only clue that this woman is in fact a woman. Next to her is a woman wearing a black dress with a black hat and a black veil that masks her entire face.
JAM
This is totally weird weird.
ELIZABETH
Hello Julian.
JAM
Hello Elizabeth. (to Erin) You were right.
ERIN
Yeah, I was. But when I said weird I was talking about Elizabeth. I have no idea what’s going on with Lady Beatrice over here.
The veiled woman points to Tia.
ELIZABETH
We need to talk. In private.
Everyone at the table looks at Tia. Tia smiles. Beat of silence as everyone continues to look at Tia.
ELIZABETH
That means leave.
ERIN
Hey. Don’t you talk to her that way.
ELIZABETH
My apologies.
TIA
Thank you Erin.
ERIN
You’re welcome. Now, leave Tia.
TIA
Okay.
Tia gets up from the booth and exits the restaurant. Through the window at the table Erin, Jam, Elizabeth and the veiled woman watch as Tia crosses the street and goes into the coffee shop. Tia sits at a table in the coffee shop window and waves to the group. Jam and Erin turn towards Elizabeth.
ERIN
Talk.
ELIZABETH
To begin, I didn’t bid on Julian for myself. I bid on him for Mildred.
Elizabeth points to the veiled woman.
ERIN
Ok.
ELIZABETH
I wanted you and Mildred to meet and make all the necessary arrangements and…
ERIN
Ok.
ELIZABETH
I was saying that…
JAM
Why did Tia have to leave?
MILDRED
Because….
Mildred lifts the veil. Revealed is a woman with long flowing jet black hair; large green eyes; peach colored skin with barely a wrinkle or a blemish and a smile composed of perfect teeth. Mildred doesn’t look a day over twenty-five years of age.
MILDRED
I am Tia’s great aunt.
Jam and Erin look at each other then look at Mildred.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life theme song.
Cut to
Int. Choi’s Diner. Day
Jam and Erin are sitting in a booth across from Elizabeth and Mildred. Jam and Erin are staring at Mildred.
ERIN
You’re The Freak?
MILDRED
I’d appreciate if you didn’t call me that.
ERIN
Tia said you were dead.
MILDRED
Tia never liked me.
JAM
When Tia said her grandmother’s sister was called The Freak, I thought she meant like the Stephanie Spencer kind of freak.
ERIN
Oh my god, me too.
JAM
I still can’t believe she slept with Masaccio.
ERIN
How do you sleep with someone nicknamed The Bleeder?
JAM
I know right.
ELIZABETH
Excuse me.
Jam and Erin look at Elizabeth. Beat of silence.
ERIN
Yes?
ELIZABETH
We came here to talk business.
ERIN
Well then talk it.
ELIZABETH
I believe we should begin by discussing…
JAM
(to Mildred) Were you at the auction?
MILDRED
I was. That is until I saw Tia. Then I left.
ELIZABETH
And I bid for her.
ERIN
We know.
JAM
So you’re an Aphra girl?
MILDRED
I am.
ELIZABETH
Mildred here is our newest member.
JAM
She’s Helena’s replacement?
ELIZABETH
She is occupying the space left vacant by Helena, yes.
JAM
How?
ELIZABETH
Excuse me.
JAM
How? Helena always talked about a long waiting list. She said the minute one of you died there would be a Battle Royale for the spot.
ELIZABETH
And she was correct. However, we are a special group. And we make exceptions for special applicants. And Mildred here is quite special.
ERIN
Because she’s a freak?
MILDRED
I asked you not to call me that.
ERIN
I said a freak not The Freak.
MILDRED
Whatevs.
Erin and Jam are both shocked by this response. They look at each other then look at Mildred with an eye of suspicion. Mildred smiles.
ELIZABETH
Regardless of why we have allowed her in, we have allowed her in and I personally want her to make a grand entrance.
MILDRED
Which is why my darling Julian, I went after the most exquisite Owl available.
Mildred smiles at Jam. Jam smiles back. Mildred winks at Jam. Jam winks back. Mildred purrs like a kitten.
ERIN
Ew.
ELIZABETH
Carlotta, I …
ERIN
(to Mildred) How old are you?
MILDRED
Seventy-four
ERIN
No.
MILDRED
Yes.
ERIN
No.
MILDRED
Yes.
ERIN
No.
MILDRED
Ye…
ELIZABETH
Ladies. Please.
JAM
This is so Dorian Gray
MILDRED
As a matter of fact, I have Dorian Gray’s disease.
JAM
Is that a real disease?
MILDRED
You’re looking at me.
ERIN
Is there a painting of a decrepit old woman in an attic somewhere?
MILDRED
Maybe.
Mildred flashes a sinister smile. Erin and Jam exchange a look.
ERIN
I don’t like you.
ELIZABETH
Carlotta.
ERIN
What.
ELIZABETH
Business. Please.
Erin sighs.
ERIN
Same deal. Same arrangement. Same rate.
MILDRED
Fine.
ERIN
Do you have my number?
MILDRED
Yes.
ERIN
We’re done.
MILDRED
What about Tia?
ERIN
Right.
Erin pulls out here phone and sends a text message.
MILDRED
I meant Tia mustn’t know about me.
Through the window Tia is seen exiting the coffee shop and making her way across the street to the diner. Mildred immediately puts on the veil.
ERIN
Fine.
MILDRED
I need your word.
ERIN
I said fine.
MILDRED
Your word, Carlotta.
Erin sighs
ERIN
I promise I will not tell Tia that you are The Freak.
MILDRED
Damn you.
ERIN
You’re welcome.
Tia enters the diner and comes to the table. Mildred immediately gets up and walks out of the diner. Elizabeth scoots out of the booth and stands next to Tia.
ELIZABETH
Goodbye, Julian. Goodbye, Carlotta
JAM
Goodbye.
Erin waves. Without saying a word to Tia, Elizabeth turns to exit. Halfway to the door she stops and turns around.
ELIZABETH
Remember your promise.
ERIN
Goodbye, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth turns and exits the diner. Tia takes a seat in the booth across from Jam and Erin.
TIA
Ooh. What’s the promise?
JAM
Erin promised not to tell you that the veiled woman is your great aunt Mildred.
TIA
Oh.
Erin and Jam stare at Tia. Tia smiles. Erin and Jam continue to stare at Tia. Beat of silence. A change washes over Tia’s face as she realizes what Jam just said.
TIA
Oh.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life refrain
Cut to
Int. Large book store. Late night.
Mildred enters the store on the first floor. She walks to the middle of the store were the escalators are and takes one up to the second floor. She takes another one up to the third floor then yet another up to the fourth floor. It is deserted on this floor. She walks to the far end of the floor until she is in the children’s section. In the corner by a window there is a woman seated at a table for children that is two sizes too small and made entirely of Lego. The woman is reading a magazine that is hiding her face. Mildred approaches the table.
MILDRED
I’m here.
THE WOMAN
Have a seat.
MILDRED
I’ll stand.
THE WOMAN
You will sit.
Mildred sighs. She sits down at the table in a chair so small her knees are up to her shoulders. The woman lowers the magazine and reveals her face. It’s Tia. Mildred looks at her with disgust. Tia smiles.
TIA
I know what you’re doing?
MILDRED
You don’t know anything.
TIA
I know everything.
MILDRED
Everything?
TIA
Everything.
Mildred looks at Tia. Tia smiles.
MILDRED
Damn that Carlotta. She promised not to tell.
TIA
She didn’t. Julian told me.
Mildred pounds her fist on the table. Pieces of Lego go flying.
TIA
Why Mildred?
MILDRED
Why what?
TIA
Why are you pretending to be Aunt Millie?
MILDRED
Do you know anything about the Aphra girls?
TIA
I know that they’re old and they like musicals.
MILDRED
Tia. The Aphra Behn Society is one thee most prestigious societies in the world.
TIA
Really?
MILDRED
Yes. Really. Membership is exclusive. My father’s mother was rejected. Both your grandmother’s were rejected and Grandma Millie died before she could apply.
TIA
So.
MILDRED
So, people wait their entire lives to get rejected and I just got in in my Twenties.
TIA
You’re Thirty.
MILDRED
Shut up, Tia.
Tia shakes her head.
TIA
I still can’t believe you’re pretending to be Aunt Millie. If my dad knew about this…
MILDRED
He can’t know about this.
TIA
He cried like a baby when Aunt Millie died. He loved her so much.
MILDRED
You wouldn’t tell him would you Tia?
TIA
Of course, I would. I’d tell him and Carlotta and Julian and Elizabeth who would probably tell the Aphra girls and I can only imagine how they would feel about you pretending to be…
MILDRED
What do you want?
TIA
Money.
MILDRED
Your father is loaded. What do you need money for?
TIA
My phone. My US Weekly subscription. Proactiv.
MILDRED
Whatever, Tia. I’m not giving you money.
TIA
Fine. Don’t.
MILDRED
I won’t.
TIA
Fine.
MILDRED
Fine.
Mildred looks at Tia. Tia looks back. Tia smiles.
MILDRED
You’re going to tell aren’t you?
TIA
Yep.
Mildred sighs.
MILDRED
How much?
Tia takes her magazine and turns it so it is facing Mildred. She opens to a page in the middle and points to a sentence.
MILDRED
That’s a lot of money, Tia.
TIA
Proactiv isn’t cheap.
Mildred sighs. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a checkbook. She writes Tia a check then rips it out of the checkbook and hands it to Tia. Tia looks at it then folds it puts it in her pocket. Then extends her hand for a handshake.
MILDRED
Whatevs.
Mildred gets up and stretches her legs.
MILDRED
I expect you to keep my secret.
TIA
My lips are sealed.
Mildred turns and walks away. Tia remains at the table. She pulls the check back out, looks at it then laughs out loud. Then she realizes she’s being very loud and covers her mouth and continues to giggle silently. Beat.
ERIN
Do you have my number?
MILDRED
Yes.
ERIN
We’re done.
MILDRED
What about Tia?
ERIN
Right.
Erin pulls out here phone and sends a text message.
MILDRED
I meant Tia mustn’t know about me.
Through the window Tia is seen exiting the coffee shop and making her way across the street to the diner. Mildred immediately puts on the veil.
ERIN
Fine.
MILDRED
I need your word.
ERIN
I said fine.
MILDRED
Your word, Carlotta.
Erin sighs
ERIN
I promise I will not tell Tia that you are The Freak.
MILDRED
Damn you.
ERIN
You’re welcome.
Tia enters the diner and comes to the table. Mildred immediately gets up and walks out of the diner. Elizabeth scoots out of the booth and stands next to Tia.
ELIZABETH
Goodbye, Julian. Goodbye, Carlotta
JAM
Goodbye.
Erin waves. Without saying a word to Tia, Elizabeth turns to exit. Halfway to the door she stops and turns around.
ELIZABETH
Remember your promise.
ERIN
Goodbye, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth turns and exits the diner. Tia takes a seat in the booth across from Jam and Erin.
TIA
Ooh. What’s the promise?
JAM
Erin promised not to tell you that the veiled woman is your great aunt Mildred.
TIA
Oh.
Erin and Jam stare at Tia. Tia smiles. Erin and Jam continue to stare at Tia. Beat of silence. A change washes over Tia’s face as she realizes what Jam just said.
TIA
Oh.
Cut to
SWFS 4 Life refrain
Cut to
Int. Large book store. Late night.
Mildred enters the store on the first floor. She walks to the middle of the store were the escalators are and takes one up to the second floor. She takes another one up to the third floor then yet another up to the fourth floor. It is deserted on this floor. She walks to the far end of the floor until she is in the children’s section. In the corner by a window there is a woman seated at a table for children that is two sizes too small and made entirely of Lego. The woman is reading a magazine that is hiding her face. Mildred approaches the table.
MILDRED
I’m here.
THE WOMAN
Have a seat.
MILDRED
I’ll stand.
THE WOMAN
You will sit.
Mildred sighs. She sits down at the table in a chair so small her knees are up to her shoulders. The woman lowers the magazine and reveals her face. It’s Tia. Mildred looks at her with disgust. Tia smiles.
TIA
I know what you’re doing?
MILDRED
You don’t know anything.
TIA
I know everything.
MILDRED
Everything?
TIA
Everything.
Mildred looks at Tia. Tia smiles.
MILDRED
Damn that Carlotta. She promised not to tell.
TIA
She didn’t. Julian told me.
Mildred pounds her fist on the table. Pieces of Lego go flying.
TIA
Why Mildred?
MILDRED
Why what?
TIA
Why are you pretending to be Aunt Millie?
MILDRED
Do you know anything about the Aphra girls?
TIA
I know that they’re old and they like musicals.
MILDRED
Tia. The Aphra Behn Society is one thee most prestigious societies in the world.
TIA
Really?
MILDRED
Yes. Really. Membership is exclusive. My father’s mother was rejected. Both your grandmother’s were rejected and Grandma Millie died before she could apply.
TIA
So.
MILDRED
So, people wait their entire lives to get rejected and I just got in in my Twenties.
TIA
You’re Thirty.
MILDRED
Shut up, Tia.
Tia shakes her head.
TIA
I still can’t believe you’re pretending to be Aunt Millie. If my dad knew about this…
MILDRED
He can’t know about this.
TIA
He cried like a baby when Aunt Millie died. He loved her so much.
MILDRED
You wouldn’t tell him would you Tia?
TIA
Of course, I would. I’d tell him and Carlotta and Julian and Elizabeth who would probably tell the Aphra girls and I can only imagine how they would feel about you pretending to be…
MILDRED
What do you want?
TIA
Money.
MILDRED
Your father is loaded. What do you need money for?
TIA
My phone. My US Weekly subscription. Proactiv.
MILDRED
Whatever, Tia. I’m not giving you money.
TIA
Fine. Don’t.
MILDRED
I won’t.
TIA
Fine.
MILDRED
Fine.
Mildred looks at Tia. Tia looks back. Tia smiles.
MILDRED
You’re going to tell aren’t you?
TIA
Yep.
Mildred sighs.
MILDRED
How much?
Tia takes her magazine and turns it so it is facing Mildred. She opens to a page in the middle and points to a sentence.
MILDRED
That’s a lot of money, Tia.
TIA
Proactiv isn’t cheap.
Mildred sighs. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a checkbook. She writes Tia a check then rips it out of the checkbook and hands it to Tia. Tia looks at it then folds it puts it in her pocket. Then extends her hand for a handshake.
MILDRED
Whatevs.
Mildred gets up and stretches her legs.
MILDRED
I expect you to keep my secret.
TIA
My lips are sealed.
Mildred turns and walks away. Tia remains at the table. She pulls the check back out, looks at it then laughs out loud. Then she realizes she’s being very loud and covers her mouth and continues to giggle silently. Beat.
Cut to
Int. SWFS condo. Day
ERIN, JAM, and TIA are sitting on the couch with coffee. ERIN and TIA are wearing gold tiaras. JAM is wearing the diamond encrusted tennis headband. They are watching the TV. Guys and Dolls is playing. The three begin to sing Sit Down you're Rocking the Boat along with the movie. At the end of the sing-a-long the stop and take deep breaths.
ERIN
God, I hate musicals.
CUT TO BLACKNESS
ROLL CREDITS
CUT TO BLACKNESS
ROLL CREDITS